My Secret Fetishes- Part 1

I'm not entirely sure how to write this. Do I make it a series, or should I write it as a list?

The basic thing I'm trying to bring over is that there are kinks I like which aren't necessarily regarded as acceptable, or in some cases are seen simply as disgusting. They're things I'm sure at least a few of my friends are into but don't or can't let on, for fear of ostracism. by and large these fetishes are shunned by a lot of the kink community, a group that should be welcome and open to all fetishes that are consensual and not hurting anyone, but in some cases can be as close minded and bigoted as homophobes and racists.

One of these examples, I've found, is age play. Now generally I'm not into age play. I'm into daddy play WITHOUT age play, in fact the thought of referring to a dominant female as my daddy seems to be one of the hottest things I can think of at the moment.

Now, plenty of my friends are into DLG/MLB (Daddy's little girl/mummy's little boy) etc style play or relationships, but I've found that the community to at large, whilst completely accepting of this age play dynamic, seem to be completely against adult baby, another kind of age play, and it's confusing why. 

At what pretend age does it go from being perceived as weird to being perceived as disgusting? It's OK to fuck a girl pretending to be 10, or a boy pretending to be 5, but not someone pretending to be 1?

My theory is that it's to do with the attire. Girls can wear pretty summer dresses for their 'little' personas, boys can wear dungarees and brightly coloured tees for their personas (or vice versa if they play as a different gender), and it's quite common to have clothes you can cannibalise from your every day wardrobe. but what can you wear if you like to age play as a baby? It's very unlikely you'll have any of the proper attire, unless you were either a very large baby or are a very small adult, so you'd have to go through the motions of buying a new wardrobe of onsies, dummies and the like, so it's an initial outlay right there. But then there's the most important thing about AB play: the nappy.

I honestly think this is what puts people off the most with Adult Baby play. Plenty of people are in to watersports, but by putting on a nappy and then peeing yourself it somehow creates a barrier that just freaks people out. I've known people to drink piss straight from a cock or a pussy, but peeing into a nappy and maybe walking around in it for a bit? Nah man, too weird! And it's just a strange feeling. Lots of people are into age play. Lots of people are into pee play. A fair few people are into both. One would think that with these people there wild be a natural overlap, but there appears not to be!

Of course there is one possibility I haven't mentioned. People *are* doing it. They're doing it with their loved ones, their like minded friends and they're doing it alone, but because of this perceived stigma, they don't mention it, possibly hoping someone else with mention it in conversation, thereby affirming their actions and being able to talk about it with someone else. But nobody mentions it. It's just not talked about. Why not? Maybe if one person said they liked to wear nappies, more people would come out and say it, and it could be talked about in conversation like all the other parts of age play people love!

So here I am. I wear nappies. I love how they feel. I sometimes even pee myself. And that feels great too. But I never poop in them. That'd just be weird.

Shyness, self confidence and asking girls out

I am a very shy individual. "But Jon!" I hear you cry, "you could never be shy, you're so outgoing and talkative, the life of every party!". Well first off, this doesn't mean in not shy, it just means I've become very accustomed to hiding it, but second, and most importantly, I mean I'm shy when I'm talking to someone I fancy.

Now it's a very particular kind of shyness, I won't be any less talkative around someone I fancy, or act weird(er) but when it comes to asking "the" question, whether it's a date or a drink or even something more carnal, I just can't.

Now I'm sure you don't think this is weird. Lots of people have a hard time asking out someone they fancy. Well let me take this to a whole new level!

I was once in bed naked with a lovely girl, both in mind and body, she'd invited me back to hers, we were both naked but funnily enough not tired. Now I distinctly remember her asking, coyly, what would I like to do? Well I knew what I wanted, she knew what she and I wanted, but somehow, I just. Couldn't. Say. It. I was literally being offered sex on a platter, and I still couldn't say I wanted to fuck her in case she actually *didn't* mean that and I was horribly misinformed by my own body and hormones.

Another time springs to mind, when I asked my most recent ex out a couple of summers ago. We were texting, after having spent a great time together for the third or forth time, and the subject of relationships came up. When I engined us, she said something like "if you asked me out I'd probably say yes". Now there are go, one of the biggest freaking hints ever given to me. I can't fuck this up right!? Wrong... Sure, I called her straight away, I mean I don't want to be like that 14 year old douche who asks his girlfriend out by text, but once we started chatting, I wanted to talk about pretty much ANYTHING else except the question of whether she would go out with me. I think it took me 20 minutes of talking bollocks before I could finally summon up the courage to ask her, (she said yes) and after that, the moment I should feel at my happiest, what did I think? I realised I hadn't explicitly said the words boyfriend or girlfriend, so she wasn't saying yes to being in a relationship. No, in my warped head she'd said yes to going out on a date, nothing more. I was such a sad act that I had to clarify with her the next morning that we were actually going to be in a relationship together.

That's the kind of level I'm talking about.

I've been trying to work out why I feel and act this way, and I think I've figured it out. When I was younger, I wasn't the debonair, suave sophisticated chap that makes women's (and men's) panties drop just by looking at them. Believe it or not I was an incredibly shy introvert, didn't know how to react to girls and certainly couldn't tell if a girl was flirting with me. You know the boys who think that when a girl is nice to them it means the girl fancy them? I was one of those boys! I kissed a girl or two, but by the way time I was 18 I could still count on one had the amount of girls I'd kissed. In fact I think it stayed the same till I was approaching 20. In that time, I only once asked a girl out, and it did not go well. I was 15, and had been kind of flirting with a girl for a few weeks. Now I'm sure this wasn't 1 way flirting, she certainly reciprocated, so I plucked up the courage to ask her out. All going well so far. Except I asked her out by text. Now I've never been a brave person, especially not when I was 15. This means that I have only once had the confidence to ask a girl out in person,and before that I tried texting.  It didn't work.  she laughed it off and we were never as close again.  It's put me off asking someone out by text, i find it too impersonal.  Though funnily enough, it's only from my side, I would have no problem with someone asking me out via text.  Weird brain eh?

Now I've not really had any other problems since I asked my most recent ex out, but that's more because I've not asked, or even tried to think about asking anyone out since then. This is hopefully something I shall rectify.

I have some friends that I like enough to want to be play partners. I even have one or two friends that I like enough to contemplate asking them out for, you know, dates and stuff... So here's my idea:

I'm going to ask them. Now if you happen to have read this and I ask you out for a drink, please know that I'm asking with intent. It's probably been incredibly hard to work up the courage, so when I ask someone out in *person* hopefully they know how much I like them!

Right, now that's out of the way, I just need to actually so the asking... 

Not So Forced Feminisation...

I've been having a bit of a fantasy recently...

just as a bit of back story, until about 2 years ago I used to dress up quite a bit in girls clothing, I was rather into the trans scene, and brought over some of that to the Fetish scene, but I’ve stopped regularly wearing girls clothes now since about November 2009.

so back to my fantasy. I would love to dress up for a dominant, whether it's slutty, sissy, demure or whatever, and have them do evil things to me. I don't know why, but I feel that, even though I have no real drive to dress up for myself, I would love to dress up for someone else, almost in a 'feeling appreciated' way.

I don't care if it's a girl or a guy, they both have differing appeals, all I know is I want to dress up pretty for someone and then for that prettiness to be taken away, through whatever means necessary.

Fucked by Girls

I love lots of different things about kink, kinky sex, and sexy kink, but I think my biggest fetish is getting fucked.

I mean I love sex in general, but from a 'fulfilling kink' point of view, Getting strap on fucked by a hot girl (and by definition, and girl I get fucked by is someone I find hot) is pushing all the best buttons for me.

There are a couple of reasons I like it so much I think. The first is that it was an unfulfilled kink for so long. I literally fantasised about it for 6 years before it happened, I either never met women that needed a fake cock (I was on the tranny scene for a while) or when I met the right kind of girl she wanted me to fuck her, which wasn't a bad thing at all, but it still meant my kink went unfulfilled.

Now that I’ve finally had my kink fulfilled (though for the record it first happened nearly 2 years ago) I love it, and can't get enough of it, which is sad as my fixes are few and far between. I have plenty of sex, but pretty much all of it is penetrative by me rather than of me.

Now of course there's a bit of a difference between me fucking a girl and a girl fucking me. To 'prep' me fucking a girl, all we need is a Condom, or if we're close enough and have both been tested recently, nothing. Whereas if it's the other way round, she needs to make sure she has her harness, her dildo, a condom, I need ot make sure I’ve shaved (purely vain reasons), I DEFINITELY need to make sure I’ve had an enema... this is all still managable, but it means it's a lot harder to have spur of the moment Butt Fucking.

There's also a lower amount of people that want to fuck me than want to get fucked by me. At the moment, I have only one play partner who likes to indulge in boy fucking, and whenever we play it happens, but seeing as she's the only one and I play with more than one person, the chance that my next play session will be one I get fucked in is low.

Another reason I like it is the feeling of being filled up. Though getting fucked has never solely been a way to make me orgasm, I still get a great deal of pleasure from it, as well as the feeling of power that the girl has over me, she can make me whimper with anticipation by stopping, scream in pleasure and pain by shoving it all in, or make me moan in ecstasy by steadily pumping in and out.

Maybe it's a good thing that I don't get as much as I want, because that way it's special when it does happen and doesn't become boring with familiarity, but I don't think that would happen. I mean I have regular sex pretty often, and that's still great!

So in all, I love fucking, I love being butt fucked, and I love sex! Oh and FWIW, if anyone reading this wants to fuck me up the ass, that would be super ;-)

A Damned Good Catch

This is going to be a very hard post, as the subject material is something that I have issues with, and so will probably be short and succinct.

I'm attractive.

I may always be moaning about how I’ve been single forever, or how no one wants me, but I know people want me, mostly because they tell me they want me and then show me they want me.

I'm attractive, funny, smart but not arrogant, I may have a few faults but I think my biggest fault is my moaning, which is certainly something I can work on.

In short, I'm a Damned Good Catch.

The only problem is, I don't believe it all the time. I've always had crippling self esteem, I had my first kiss at 15, lost my virginity at 16, both at times and to people that I shouldn't even have touched. But I did.

Now, I'm surrounded by lovely beautiful people who say and show that I'm hot, and that I'm wanted, which is just fucking amazing, and in short, it makes me a very happy person.

Unwanted

Well here we go.

I’m writing this not in response to any particular thing that’s happened, just a couple of things in general coupled with my extreme paranoia.  Also this isn’t a cry for help or a ‘woe is me’ thing, It’s just a selfish rant I need to get off my chest.  You know what they say, a problem shared is a problem halved, or something like that.

I seem to have been having a downturn with the whole lovelife recently.  I’ve never been very lucky in that respect, my longest relationship being only 11 months, and my most recent one being only 2 months, though I sometimes wonder if it can be called a relationship, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Not including my last ‘was it/wasn’t it?’ relationship, I’ve been single for just under 4 years.  Now don’t get me wrong, I like several aspects of the single life, and I definitely wouldn’t have been able to have as much fun in the last 2 years if I’d been in a monogamous relationship. 

However there are certain things I miss about being with someone.  The cuddles when you go to sleep with them.  The texts that you send or receive just to say you were having thoughts about them, the assurance that someone will be there for you.  These are all things I can get from my friends and play partners, but there’s a difference between getting them from friends and getting them from a person that’s, for lack of a better phrase, your own.  I don’t mean I want a monogamous relationship, far from it, but I do want someone that I can say is mine, whether that person is someone else’s as well is irrelevant.

Which brings me onto my titular point.  The only people I think that I could go out with (two at the moment) are not available to me.  They are both play partners and good friends, but one has just started dating a couple and the other seems to have more than enough time taken up with her girlfriend and moving.  What’s even more annoying is that the first has been interested in dating me up until the very recent past, but it appears to have just been something that’s been pushed away now.

I feel like no one wants me.  Which I know isn’t true, many people ‘want’ me, but how many people want me to keep?  Now I’ve lost the shinyness that I had when I first came onto the scene just under 2 years ago people aren’t interested in me nearly as much any more, and I honestly don’t know what to do about it.

This isn’t me giving up hope, but sometimes I just feel down about constantly going home and getting into my single bed (have only had a double bed for 2 years in my 24 year life when I was at uni) and sleeping alone.  I need to turn myself around, the only question is how to do it.

Suggestions?

2 hours sleep = quiet night at the sex party

I've just gotten home after the weekend. It was a thoroughly enjoyable weekend, but I find myself feeling unfulfilled.

First there was the Crunch. Now I didn't even get to Camden til 11 due to having a 9 hour shift at work and then a 2 hour rehearsal, but it was great seeing people I hadn't seen for a long time, especially my ex as she's at uni in some other silly part of the country.

The silliness on my part started when I decided to go to the crunch in the first place, as I had work the day after starting at 6pm. For 10 hours. I'm an idiot. I got 2 hours sleep, which was about a quarter of what I'd liked to have gotten, and then I got home and slept, which resulted in me getting to the saturday night event, the Bacchanalia, at about 11.30. It also meant that I was well and truely knackered before I even got there, and that most of my time was spent sitting looking grumpy at all the gorgeous people having an amazing time.

Then there was Peer Rope. Always a good event, however with added bonus this month of my doing my first full tie on someone, and I only needed the tiniest bit of help. This pleased me lots.

One thing has left me feeling a bit odd though. I stayed at a friends house Saturday night/Sunday morning, and then when I dropped her and another friend off at hers after peer rope the next day, I felt that the only reason I was even allowed back in the house was cos I had left my stuff in there from earlier. Its weird, I've slept over many times and never had a problem, but just the not offering even a sofa, or asking if it was OK for some 'girl time' or something, and just assuming that I knew I wasn't going to stay there, didn't really sit well with me. Maybe I'm being oversensitive or I was being rude in hoping to be offered a bed the next night as well, but it did still hurt a bit, especially as these were 2 girls that I consider close friends. Anyway, nothing more of that, I'm not going to hold it against either if then as I know they were both probably nearly as tired as I was, but it did still hurt.

In all, a good weekend was had, and the only really bad thing was thst I was too tired to fully appreciate it.

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