Well here we go.
I’m writing this not in response to any particular thing that’s happened, just a couple of things in general coupled with my extreme paranoia. Also this isn’t a cry for help or a ‘woe is me’ thing, It’s just a selfish rant I need to get off my chest. You know what they say, a problem shared is a problem halved, or something like that.
I seem to have been having a downturn with the whole lovelife recently. I’ve never been very lucky in that respect, my longest relationship being only 11 months, and my most recent one being only 2 months, though I sometimes wonder if it can be called a relationship, but that’s a discussion for another time.
Not including my last ‘was it/wasn’t it?’ relationship, I’ve been single for just under 4 years. Now don’t get me wrong, I like several aspects of the single life, and I definitely wouldn’t have been able to have as much fun in the last 2 years if I’d been in a monogamous relationship.
However there are certain things I miss about being with someone. The cuddles when you go to sleep with them. The texts that you send or receive just to say you were having thoughts about them, the assurance that someone will be there for you. These are all things I can get from my friends and play partners, but there’s a difference between getting them from friends and getting them from a person that’s, for lack of a better phrase, your own. I don’t mean I want a monogamous relationship, far from it, but I do want someone that I can say is mine, whether that person is someone else’s as well is irrelevant.
Which brings me onto my titular point. The only people I think that I could go out with (two at the moment) are not available to me. They are both play partners and good friends, but one has just started dating a couple and the other seems to have more than enough time taken up with her girlfriend and moving. What’s even more annoying is that the first has been interested in dating me up until the very recent past, but it appears to have just been something that’s been pushed away now.
I feel like no one wants me. Which I know isn’t true, many people ‘want’ me, but how many people want me to keep? Now I’ve lost the shinyness that I had when I first came onto the scene just under 2 years ago people aren’t interested in me nearly as much any more, and I honestly don’t know what to do about it.
This isn’t me giving up hope, but sometimes I just feel down about constantly going home and getting into my single bed (have only had a double bed for 2 years in my 24 year life when I was at uni) and sleeping alone. I need to turn myself around, the only question is how to do it.
Suggestions?
Move to a kink-friendly houseshare in London. It'll make having people come back to yours much easier, and improve your socialising generally. Also, start doing non-scene stuff - focus on sorting out career stuff, developing other interests etc. This will make you more rounded and more attractive (note this is general advice rather than a specific judgement). And be aware that by the time you reach your late 20s there'll be people dropping off the ceiling onto you. At least that's how it seemed by comparison to my earlier years.
ReplyDeleteI wish you didn't feel like this. I have been there and it is a horrible feeling, but not one that is unique to you I can assure you!
ReplyDeleteI also wish I had some useful advice. Aside from 'don't try too hard, it will happen when you least expect it', which seems very true for me. You are wonderful, and you will get there! HUGS xxx
@janiel moving to a kink friendly house is easier said than done, first I have to find people that actually want to move in with me, then there's getting a job in London, which I've been trying to do for about 2 years now with no success. even if i had my current job in London I couldn't afford it, problem of earning minimum wage and change...
ReplyDelete@WalkingOxymoron thanks. I'm sure this is just a phase, and i don't feel like it ALL the time, but it seems to take over every now and then, which sucks.