I am a very shy individual. "But Jon!" I hear you cry, "you could never be shy, you're so outgoing and talkative, the life of every party!". Well first off, this doesn't mean in not shy, it just means I've become very accustomed to hiding it, but second, and most importantly, I mean I'm shy when I'm talking to someone I fancy.
Now it's a very particular kind of shyness, I won't be any less talkative around someone I fancy, or act weird(er) but when it comes to asking "the" question, whether it's a date or a drink or even something more carnal, I just can't.
Now I'm sure you don't think this is weird. Lots of people have a hard time asking out someone they fancy. Well let me take this to a whole new level!
I was once in bed naked with a lovely girl, both in mind and body, she'd invited me back to hers, we were both naked but funnily enough not tired. Now I distinctly remember her asking, coyly, what would I like to do? Well I knew what I wanted, she knew what she and I wanted, but somehow, I just. Couldn't. Say. It. I was literally being offered sex on a platter, and I still couldn't say I wanted to fuck her in case she actually *didn't* mean that and I was horribly misinformed by my own body and hormones.
Another time springs to mind, when I asked my most recent ex out a couple of summers ago. We were texting, after having spent a great time together for the third or forth time, and the subject of relationships came up. When I engined us, she said something like "if you asked me out I'd probably say yes". Now there are go, one of the biggest freaking hints ever given to me. I can't fuck this up right!? Wrong... Sure, I called her straight away, I mean I don't want to be like that 14 year old douche who asks his girlfriend out by text, but once we started chatting, I wanted to talk about pretty much ANYTHING else except the question of whether she would go out with me. I think it took me 20 minutes of talking bollocks before I could finally summon up the courage to ask her, (she said yes) and after that, the moment I should feel at my happiest, what did I think? I realised I hadn't explicitly said the words boyfriend or girlfriend, so she wasn't saying yes to being in a relationship. No, in my warped head she'd said yes to going out on a date, nothing more. I was such a sad act that I had to clarify with her the next morning that we were actually going to be in a relationship together.
That's the kind of level I'm talking about.
I've been trying to work out why I feel and act this way, and I think I've figured it out. When I was younger, I wasn't the debonair, suave sophisticated chap that makes women's (and men's) panties drop just by looking at them. Believe it or not I was an incredibly shy introvert, didn't know how to react to girls and certainly couldn't tell if a girl was flirting with me. You know the boys who think that when a girl is nice to them it means the girl fancy them? I was one of those boys! I kissed a girl or two, but by the way time I was 18 I could still count on one had the amount of girls I'd kissed. In fact I think it stayed the same till I was approaching 20. In that time, I only once asked a girl out, and it did not go well. I was 15, and had been kind of flirting with a girl for a few weeks. Now I'm sure this wasn't 1 way flirting, she certainly reciprocated, so I plucked up the courage to ask her out. All going well so far. Except I asked her out by text. Now I've never been a brave person, especially not when I was 15. This means that I have only once had the confidence to ask a girl out in person,and before that I tried texting. It didn't work. she laughed it off and we were never as close again. It's put me off asking someone out by text, i find it too impersonal. Though funnily enough, it's only from my side, I would have no problem with someone asking me out via text. Weird brain eh?
Now I've not really had any other problems since I asked my most recent ex out, but that's more because I've not asked, or even tried to think about asking anyone out since then. This is hopefully something I shall rectify.
I have some friends that I like enough to want to be play partners. I even have one or two friends that I like enough to contemplate asking them out for, you know, dates and stuff... So here's my idea:
I'm going to ask them. Now if you happen to have read this and I ask you out for a drink, please know that I'm asking with intent. It's probably been incredibly hard to work up the courage, so when I ask someone out in *person* hopefully they know how much I like them!
Right, now that's out of the way, I just need to actually so the asking...
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