Not So Forced Feminisation...

I've been having a bit of a fantasy recently...

just as a bit of back story, until about 2 years ago I used to dress up quite a bit in girls clothing, I was rather into the trans scene, and brought over some of that to the Fetish scene, but I’ve stopped regularly wearing girls clothes now since about November 2009.

so back to my fantasy. I would love to dress up for a dominant, whether it's slutty, sissy, demure or whatever, and have them do evil things to me. I don't know why, but I feel that, even though I have no real drive to dress up for myself, I would love to dress up for someone else, almost in a 'feeling appreciated' way.

I don't care if it's a girl or a guy, they both have differing appeals, all I know is I want to dress up pretty for someone and then for that prettiness to be taken away, through whatever means necessary.

Fucked by Girls

I love lots of different things about kink, kinky sex, and sexy kink, but I think my biggest fetish is getting fucked.

I mean I love sex in general, but from a 'fulfilling kink' point of view, Getting strap on fucked by a hot girl (and by definition, and girl I get fucked by is someone I find hot) is pushing all the best buttons for me.

There are a couple of reasons I like it so much I think. The first is that it was an unfulfilled kink for so long. I literally fantasised about it for 6 years before it happened, I either never met women that needed a fake cock (I was on the tranny scene for a while) or when I met the right kind of girl she wanted me to fuck her, which wasn't a bad thing at all, but it still meant my kink went unfulfilled.

Now that I’ve finally had my kink fulfilled (though for the record it first happened nearly 2 years ago) I love it, and can't get enough of it, which is sad as my fixes are few and far between. I have plenty of sex, but pretty much all of it is penetrative by me rather than of me.

Now of course there's a bit of a difference between me fucking a girl and a girl fucking me. To 'prep' me fucking a girl, all we need is a Condom, or if we're close enough and have both been tested recently, nothing. Whereas if it's the other way round, she needs to make sure she has her harness, her dildo, a condom, I need ot make sure I’ve shaved (purely vain reasons), I DEFINITELY need to make sure I’ve had an enema... this is all still managable, but it means it's a lot harder to have spur of the moment Butt Fucking.

There's also a lower amount of people that want to fuck me than want to get fucked by me. At the moment, I have only one play partner who likes to indulge in boy fucking, and whenever we play it happens, but seeing as she's the only one and I play with more than one person, the chance that my next play session will be one I get fucked in is low.

Another reason I like it is the feeling of being filled up. Though getting fucked has never solely been a way to make me orgasm, I still get a great deal of pleasure from it, as well as the feeling of power that the girl has over me, she can make me whimper with anticipation by stopping, scream in pleasure and pain by shoving it all in, or make me moan in ecstasy by steadily pumping in and out.

Maybe it's a good thing that I don't get as much as I want, because that way it's special when it does happen and doesn't become boring with familiarity, but I don't think that would happen. I mean I have regular sex pretty often, and that's still great!

So in all, I love fucking, I love being butt fucked, and I love sex! Oh and FWIW, if anyone reading this wants to fuck me up the ass, that would be super ;-)

A Damned Good Catch

This is going to be a very hard post, as the subject material is something that I have issues with, and so will probably be short and succinct.

I'm attractive.

I may always be moaning about how I’ve been single forever, or how no one wants me, but I know people want me, mostly because they tell me they want me and then show me they want me.

I'm attractive, funny, smart but not arrogant, I may have a few faults but I think my biggest fault is my moaning, which is certainly something I can work on.

In short, I'm a Damned Good Catch.

The only problem is, I don't believe it all the time. I've always had crippling self esteem, I had my first kiss at 15, lost my virginity at 16, both at times and to people that I shouldn't even have touched. But I did.

Now, I'm surrounded by lovely beautiful people who say and show that I'm hot, and that I'm wanted, which is just fucking amazing, and in short, it makes me a very happy person.

Unwanted

Well here we go.

I’m writing this not in response to any particular thing that’s happened, just a couple of things in general coupled with my extreme paranoia.  Also this isn’t a cry for help or a ‘woe is me’ thing, It’s just a selfish rant I need to get off my chest.  You know what they say, a problem shared is a problem halved, or something like that.

I seem to have been having a downturn with the whole lovelife recently.  I’ve never been very lucky in that respect, my longest relationship being only 11 months, and my most recent one being only 2 months, though I sometimes wonder if it can be called a relationship, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Not including my last ‘was it/wasn’t it?’ relationship, I’ve been single for just under 4 years.  Now don’t get me wrong, I like several aspects of the single life, and I definitely wouldn’t have been able to have as much fun in the last 2 years if I’d been in a monogamous relationship. 

However there are certain things I miss about being with someone.  The cuddles when you go to sleep with them.  The texts that you send or receive just to say you were having thoughts about them, the assurance that someone will be there for you.  These are all things I can get from my friends and play partners, but there’s a difference between getting them from friends and getting them from a person that’s, for lack of a better phrase, your own.  I don’t mean I want a monogamous relationship, far from it, but I do want someone that I can say is mine, whether that person is someone else’s as well is irrelevant.

Which brings me onto my titular point.  The only people I think that I could go out with (two at the moment) are not available to me.  They are both play partners and good friends, but one has just started dating a couple and the other seems to have more than enough time taken up with her girlfriend and moving.  What’s even more annoying is that the first has been interested in dating me up until the very recent past, but it appears to have just been something that’s been pushed away now.

I feel like no one wants me.  Which I know isn’t true, many people ‘want’ me, but how many people want me to keep?  Now I’ve lost the shinyness that I had when I first came onto the scene just under 2 years ago people aren’t interested in me nearly as much any more, and I honestly don’t know what to do about it.

This isn’t me giving up hope, but sometimes I just feel down about constantly going home and getting into my single bed (have only had a double bed for 2 years in my 24 year life when I was at uni) and sleeping alone.  I need to turn myself around, the only question is how to do it.

Suggestions?

2 hours sleep = quiet night at the sex party

I've just gotten home after the weekend. It was a thoroughly enjoyable weekend, but I find myself feeling unfulfilled.

First there was the Crunch. Now I didn't even get to Camden til 11 due to having a 9 hour shift at work and then a 2 hour rehearsal, but it was great seeing people I hadn't seen for a long time, especially my ex as she's at uni in some other silly part of the country.

The silliness on my part started when I decided to go to the crunch in the first place, as I had work the day after starting at 6pm. For 10 hours. I'm an idiot. I got 2 hours sleep, which was about a quarter of what I'd liked to have gotten, and then I got home and slept, which resulted in me getting to the saturday night event, the Bacchanalia, at about 11.30. It also meant that I was well and truely knackered before I even got there, and that most of my time was spent sitting looking grumpy at all the gorgeous people having an amazing time.

Then there was Peer Rope. Always a good event, however with added bonus this month of my doing my first full tie on someone, and I only needed the tiniest bit of help. This pleased me lots.

One thing has left me feeling a bit odd though. I stayed at a friends house Saturday night/Sunday morning, and then when I dropped her and another friend off at hers after peer rope the next day, I felt that the only reason I was even allowed back in the house was cos I had left my stuff in there from earlier. Its weird, I've slept over many times and never had a problem, but just the not offering even a sofa, or asking if it was OK for some 'girl time' or something, and just assuming that I knew I wasn't going to stay there, didn't really sit well with me. Maybe I'm being oversensitive or I was being rude in hoping to be offered a bed the next night as well, but it did still hurt a bit, especially as these were 2 girls that I consider close friends. Anyway, nothing more of that, I'm not going to hold it against either if then as I know they were both probably nearly as tired as I was, but it did still hurt.

In all, a good weekend was had, and the only really bad thing was thst I was too tired to fully appreciate it.

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The Old Switcheroo

I'm a switch.  That's right, they exist.

When I came on the scene in Summer 2009, I already knew I was switch, but (as many people do) started off pretty much exclusively sub, for various reasons.  these were things like I wanted to put myself in the hands of someone more experiences to 'learn the trade' off of, and also, much more importantly, I didn't trust myself with anything I was doing, the closest I'd gotten to BDSM before was tying up a girlfriend with bondage tape when I was Vanilla.

After a little while I became a bit more confident, started topping a bit, became more adept and better at what I did, and as I became better and more confident, I realised  that I really did enjoy topping and being dominant.  At first I thought maybe I was going to become exclusively dominant, but all it took was a quick play session with me as the sub to realise that this was definitely not the case.

There are both good things and bad things about being a switch.  It means that if you hit it off with someone you are that much more likely to be able to play regardless of their role, if they're bottom you can top, if they're top you can bottom to them, and if they're switch, that's where the real fun begins!

however it's when relationships get a bit more serious that it can get problematic.  if a switch was going out with a top then he would bottom to her,  but unless they were polyamorous he would have no way of topping anyone, as obviously his top partner wouldn't allow him to top her, and even if she did it could ruin the dynamic.

as it stands, at the moment I'm predominantly top, for the last 8 months or so I have done very little subbing and almost exclusively topping, in fact the submissive play has happened on 2 occasions with the same person, though this is more lack of availability with other people than an actual want to only submit to one person.

The way I've described switching to people before is through taste.  it's the difference between liking the taste of chocolate/sweets and liking the taste of wine/beer/alcohol.  they both taste great, but they're completely different tastes, and they give you different feelings, different emotions, different highs...

I would have to say that, despite hardly ever doing it, my first love is still to bottom.  I love topping and being a dom, especially as I seem to have gotten far more hot girls that want to submit than hot girls that want to top me[FAO girls that have topped me: you are also all hot, there are just less of you in number than girls I've topped], but being the one that's hurt, the one that's fucked, the one that's played with... it just takes me to a different level.

Angst!

maybe it's because in the space of 50 hours over the weekend I worked 27 of them, but i'm not feeling great at the moment.

I'm tired  yeah, which is probably affecting my thoughts, but stuff isn't going great for me at the moment.

first off, relationships wise.  There are people i like, and they fall into 3 categories (at the moment there's one person in each category but it varies):

1. I like a person, but they don't like me back, at least not in this way.

2. I like a person, and they want to go to a certain place emotionally, but no further

3.I like a person, and they like me, but they want something slightly different

these three things are actual case studies of how my love life is at the moment, and it's pretty hellish.  I don't want to go into details, mostly because the people have their right to privacy, but it just makes it feel really sucky to be me.  I've been trying to get more confident and less shy, I really have, but when one constantly gets rebuffed, there's only so much one can take before  they wonder what's wrong with them...

And also, as if that wasn't enough, I'm off out next Saturday evening, i specifically asked for the Sunday after off, and work have instead given me a SUNDAY MORNING shift...  also, i'm not working at all between Monday and Thursday...  I'm supposed to be full time...  Either I'm crap at my job or my boss hates me.

Simple as.

The Waiting, Over

Just a quick update today (he says, not knowing how long it will be…)

Last night I had a playdate with Artiste, a lovely girl that I’ve fancied for a year, and have been waiting to play with for about 6 months now.  I have to say that after the little bits of ‘microplay’ we’ve done at various parties and Munches (stuff hardly more than kissing and a bit of hair pulling) I was awaiting this with bated breath.  I was also worried that, after building up the scenario in my head, the real thing would never compare.

It was absolutely amazing.

I really had nothing to worry about in hindsight. I know that she’s had plenty of practice in dominating, and last night just went to show how good she is.

I’m not going to do a blow by blow account, because simply repeating it is not something I have any interest in doing.  What I shall do instead is pick out bits of particular enjoyment and say why I liked them.

There were two parts of the date, the first, which was the planned scene, and the second, which was unplanned, unexpected, and even better.

The first part consisted of being mummified in pallet wrap (which I now put up there in the ‘must have’ category of kinky accessories) and then having things done to me, and a bit of objectification.  

My first stand out feature was right at the beginning.  Instead of instructing me to undress she undressed me, starting with my shirt, my trousers, and eventually my pants.  I found this intriguing, in fact the only time she actually spoke to me during this was to say ‘remove you shoes’, and it certainly served to do the whole ‘dehumanising object’ thing.

The Pallet Wrapping was also lots of fun.  It was time consuming, especially as I could hear very little (wax earplugs) and thus couldn’t respond to any commands such as ‘turn to your left’ or ‘sit up’ which would no doubt have made life much easier, but she did very well regardless.  Already being a fan of rubber, I knew I was into encasement in at least a small way, and this certainly did not dissuade me of anything, the immobility of everything was bliss, especially when Artiste made a hole at crotch level, pulled out my cock and started fucking me, yes, despite me penetrating her, she was definitely fucking me.  There’s no other way to describe it when a dominant woman has you immobile, your cock is hers to do with as she wishes, so she was most definitely fucking me.

There was also a major “Nooooooooo!” moment, when, upon being ballgagged, she started to kiss me on the mouth.  Now I LOVE kissing.  It’s one of the most erotic and pleasurable things possible, so when someone is kissing me and I can’t kiss back, it is not only infuriating, but also horrific.  I even heard her cute little sadistic laugh after my moans of despair.

Interlude.  Mostly involving having a lovely cooked meal in silk kimonos.

Next was the impromptu play.  We were about to go to bed, until we realised that if we did, we would be going to bed at half 9, which was far too early.

So we fucked.

But this was kinky fucking, and so of course I was wearing, at various times, a blindfold, a ball gag, a plug, a vibrating cock ring…

Artiste played with my ass some, I think her words were something like ‘I can’t pass up an opportunity like that’, after having had me on all fours with my ass in the air.  She then got her strap on out and proceeded to give me a great fucking which just went to affirm that I love getting fucked.

There aren’t many times that I’ve been fucked in the ass well I could probably count it on one hand with a couple of fingers left over.  I’ve never had bad sex, but most of the time there’s been something off, whether the cocks been too big, I haven’t been comfortable with the way they were fucking me, any number of reasons.

I think what helped this time was that I was warmed up mentally, physically, and I really really wanted her to fuck me.  All of that put together meant that it was an intensely pleasurable experience.

The final thing I’ll talk about was something that came completely out of nowhere, it hadn’t been discussed, or even hinted at.  I’d had wrist and ankle cuffs put on me, which I liked, and when we ended the second scene, I was asked if I needed the bathroom.  I thought that this was an odd request, but I didn’t so I said no.  she then proceeded to clip my wrist and ankle cuffs together, and clipped a chain onto one of my ankles, the chain being linked to her bed.  The message was clear.  I was hers, at least for the night, and I couldn’t get away from her.

She turned me, my back facing her, we started spooning, and she whispered to me two simple words.

“Got you.”

At that point, the emotional and physical strains of the evening caught up with me, and I almost started crying, not because I was upset, but because of the sheer emotional overload that sentence brought to me. I have a strong need to feel wanted, and when it gets fulfilled… my reactions can be a sight to behold.  I loved every second of it.

There was a lot of other stuff that went on, that I enjoyed, but those moments are the ones that really stood out to me.  No matter now much I overhyped it in my mind, it couldn’t have been better than it was in real life.

Artiste, if you’re reading this, I loved it, and want to come back for more.

Beating Beautiful Boys

Well here we go, my first blog, now that I finally have something interesting enough to write about.  That's not to say that what I've done previously is uninteresting, it's more that for a long time now, I haven't done any 'firsts', I was lucky enough to become friends with some very knowledgeable, kind and hot people who took me through more or less the whole spectrum of play and sex pretty early on in my journey.

So I was delighted when I got my first chance to top a boy on Saturday night.  I'm not new to topping, and in fact have been pretty much only topping in play for the last 6 months or so, but this would be the very first time I would top a boy, one on one, in any kind of a scene.  I'm not talking about times when I may have helped hold a guy down or was one of the people that spanked a man who was restrained, but the first time I've ever been able to take a boy that  was a bottom, restrain him, and do delightful, yet evil things to him.

it started at Subversion, a well known Kink Club in London, I was going with a couple of people I knew for a birthday celebration.  two of them, a couple, were people I'd met at a previous club night and chatted to online a fair bit, but didn't know that well in real life, so the getting ready and going to the club were a great way of chatting and seeing where interests lay.

Now I'm quite proud of my Kitbag.  it's not the most comprehensive one I've seen, but there's still a good amount of variety in it, from Floggers to whips, Electrics to Butt Plugs.  so when the girl of the couple, Playtime, suggested we should look at my stuff, ostensibly for the benefit of the two newcomers, I couldn't see a reason not to.  as I was showing my stuff around I couldn't help but think this was for Playtime to build up excitement of what might occur.

Later on, after we had plodded around the club more than once, and the play space was a bit quieter (for the opening hours of the club it was absolutely rammed), I made my, incredibly passive, move.  I was standing next to Playtime and Bambi, the male part of the couple, and saw a St Andrew's Cross not being used, I then said to Playtime "That cross needs someone on it". I didn't say it forlornly, or hopefully, but I did say it with intent.  it then worked.  she moved off and stood next to Bambi, and they chatted for a few minutes.  I couldn't have heard them if I tried due to the loud music playing, so I decided to just busy myself with people watching.  a couple of minutes later she came back and asked 'what did you say about that cross?' I repeated my earlier statement, she then said, also with intent, "Bambi?" all I could reply was "yes".  so we led him to the cross and strapped him in.

Now I just want to confirm that Bambi is the Beautiful Boy mentioned in the title.  he is gorgeous.  I have some hot friends but this is one of the prettiest boys I have ever met, so it's an understatement to say that he was someone I wanted to play with.  also, his outfit, a kind of sexy-not-scary version of Frank-N-Furter just added to this whole Gender Queer appeal of his.

I won't give a blow by blow account of what I did to him, but I will give you the Cliff Notes.  I gave him a good varied  beating, using my matching pair of floggers, Electrified Wartenburg Wheel, spanking, some slapping and punching, and even a little bit of breath control thrown in.  about half way through all this, Playtime touched me on the shoulder and said "you know you can kiss him don't you?".  I think my grin went from ear to ear.  suffice to say I didn't need more encouragement, though I still made sure to tease him to the last possible moment before our lips met and I thrust my tongue into his welcoming mouth.

When I felt he had had enough (this being his first experience in public, and as far as I'm aware his first experience not with his girlfriend) I took him down and let him sit down away from the play area, and made sure he was alright.  He was. 

Afterwards I got lots of compliments about the play, mostly from our group of friends (the new 'straight' guy found it oddly compelling he said) and I got the best from Playtime and Bambi, saying they both loved it, and that  according to Bambi I am very good at judging thresholds.  that's something to remember for the future.

The most Interesting compliment however, was from a guy that came up to me afterwards. he told me that he was a straight top, but that seeing the two of us playing together was one of the most beautiful things that he had ever seen at a club.  it made me feel very proud, for both myself and that Bambi had come through it feeling so good.

While this may be the first time I've topped a boy, I definitely don't want it to be the last.  it's different from hurting a girl, but not in a bad way.  I know a boy's body better than a girls, I know what parts are more sensitive than others and I definitely know I like to see a boy's body writhe under my ministrations.  this was an incredibly fun experience, and I hope to top Bambi again.

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