Not So Forced Feminisation...

I've been having a bit of a fantasy recently...

just as a bit of back story, until about 2 years ago I used to dress up quite a bit in girls clothing, I was rather into the trans scene, and brought over some of that to the Fetish scene, but I’ve stopped regularly wearing girls clothes now since about November 2009.

so back to my fantasy. I would love to dress up for a dominant, whether it's slutty, sissy, demure or whatever, and have them do evil things to me. I don't know why, but I feel that, even though I have no real drive to dress up for myself, I would love to dress up for someone else, almost in a 'feeling appreciated' way.

I don't care if it's a girl or a guy, they both have differing appeals, all I know is I want to dress up pretty for someone and then for that prettiness to be taken away, through whatever means necessary.

Fucked by Girls

I love lots of different things about kink, kinky sex, and sexy kink, but I think my biggest fetish is getting fucked.

I mean I love sex in general, but from a 'fulfilling kink' point of view, Getting strap on fucked by a hot girl (and by definition, and girl I get fucked by is someone I find hot) is pushing all the best buttons for me.

There are a couple of reasons I like it so much I think. The first is that it was an unfulfilled kink for so long. I literally fantasised about it for 6 years before it happened, I either never met women that needed a fake cock (I was on the tranny scene for a while) or when I met the right kind of girl she wanted me to fuck her, which wasn't a bad thing at all, but it still meant my kink went unfulfilled.

Now that I’ve finally had my kink fulfilled (though for the record it first happened nearly 2 years ago) I love it, and can't get enough of it, which is sad as my fixes are few and far between. I have plenty of sex, but pretty much all of it is penetrative by me rather than of me.

Now of course there's a bit of a difference between me fucking a girl and a girl fucking me. To 'prep' me fucking a girl, all we need is a Condom, or if we're close enough and have both been tested recently, nothing. Whereas if it's the other way round, she needs to make sure she has her harness, her dildo, a condom, I need ot make sure I’ve shaved (purely vain reasons), I DEFINITELY need to make sure I’ve had an enema... this is all still managable, but it means it's a lot harder to have spur of the moment Butt Fucking.

There's also a lower amount of people that want to fuck me than want to get fucked by me. At the moment, I have only one play partner who likes to indulge in boy fucking, and whenever we play it happens, but seeing as she's the only one and I play with more than one person, the chance that my next play session will be one I get fucked in is low.

Another reason I like it is the feeling of being filled up. Though getting fucked has never solely been a way to make me orgasm, I still get a great deal of pleasure from it, as well as the feeling of power that the girl has over me, she can make me whimper with anticipation by stopping, scream in pleasure and pain by shoving it all in, or make me moan in ecstasy by steadily pumping in and out.

Maybe it's a good thing that I don't get as much as I want, because that way it's special when it does happen and doesn't become boring with familiarity, but I don't think that would happen. I mean I have regular sex pretty often, and that's still great!

So in all, I love fucking, I love being butt fucked, and I love sex! Oh and FWIW, if anyone reading this wants to fuck me up the ass, that would be super ;-)

A Damned Good Catch

This is going to be a very hard post, as the subject material is something that I have issues with, and so will probably be short and succinct.

I'm attractive.

I may always be moaning about how I’ve been single forever, or how no one wants me, but I know people want me, mostly because they tell me they want me and then show me they want me.

I'm attractive, funny, smart but not arrogant, I may have a few faults but I think my biggest fault is my moaning, which is certainly something I can work on.

In short, I'm a Damned Good Catch.

The only problem is, I don't believe it all the time. I've always had crippling self esteem, I had my first kiss at 15, lost my virginity at 16, both at times and to people that I shouldn't even have touched. But I did.

Now, I'm surrounded by lovely beautiful people who say and show that I'm hot, and that I'm wanted, which is just fucking amazing, and in short, it makes me a very happy person.

Unwanted

Well here we go.

I’m writing this not in response to any particular thing that’s happened, just a couple of things in general coupled with my extreme paranoia.  Also this isn’t a cry for help or a ‘woe is me’ thing, It’s just a selfish rant I need to get off my chest.  You know what they say, a problem shared is a problem halved, or something like that.

I seem to have been having a downturn with the whole lovelife recently.  I’ve never been very lucky in that respect, my longest relationship being only 11 months, and my most recent one being only 2 months, though I sometimes wonder if it can be called a relationship, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Not including my last ‘was it/wasn’t it?’ relationship, I’ve been single for just under 4 years.  Now don’t get me wrong, I like several aspects of the single life, and I definitely wouldn’t have been able to have as much fun in the last 2 years if I’d been in a monogamous relationship. 

However there are certain things I miss about being with someone.  The cuddles when you go to sleep with them.  The texts that you send or receive just to say you were having thoughts about them, the assurance that someone will be there for you.  These are all things I can get from my friends and play partners, but there’s a difference between getting them from friends and getting them from a person that’s, for lack of a better phrase, your own.  I don’t mean I want a monogamous relationship, far from it, but I do want someone that I can say is mine, whether that person is someone else’s as well is irrelevant.

Which brings me onto my titular point.  The only people I think that I could go out with (two at the moment) are not available to me.  They are both play partners and good friends, but one has just started dating a couple and the other seems to have more than enough time taken up with her girlfriend and moving.  What’s even more annoying is that the first has been interested in dating me up until the very recent past, but it appears to have just been something that’s been pushed away now.

I feel like no one wants me.  Which I know isn’t true, many people ‘want’ me, but how many people want me to keep?  Now I’ve lost the shinyness that I had when I first came onto the scene just under 2 years ago people aren’t interested in me nearly as much any more, and I honestly don’t know what to do about it.

This isn’t me giving up hope, but sometimes I just feel down about constantly going home and getting into my single bed (have only had a double bed for 2 years in my 24 year life when I was at uni) and sleeping alone.  I need to turn myself around, the only question is how to do it.

Suggestions?

2 hours sleep = quiet night at the sex party

I've just gotten home after the weekend. It was a thoroughly enjoyable weekend, but I find myself feeling unfulfilled.

First there was the Crunch. Now I didn't even get to Camden til 11 due to having a 9 hour shift at work and then a 2 hour rehearsal, but it was great seeing people I hadn't seen for a long time, especially my ex as she's at uni in some other silly part of the country.

The silliness on my part started when I decided to go to the crunch in the first place, as I had work the day after starting at 6pm. For 10 hours. I'm an idiot. I got 2 hours sleep, which was about a quarter of what I'd liked to have gotten, and then I got home and slept, which resulted in me getting to the saturday night event, the Bacchanalia, at about 11.30. It also meant that I was well and truely knackered before I even got there, and that most of my time was spent sitting looking grumpy at all the gorgeous people having an amazing time.

Then there was Peer Rope. Always a good event, however with added bonus this month of my doing my first full tie on someone, and I only needed the tiniest bit of help. This pleased me lots.

One thing has left me feeling a bit odd though. I stayed at a friends house Saturday night/Sunday morning, and then when I dropped her and another friend off at hers after peer rope the next day, I felt that the only reason I was even allowed back in the house was cos I had left my stuff in there from earlier. Its weird, I've slept over many times and never had a problem, but just the not offering even a sofa, or asking if it was OK for some 'girl time' or something, and just assuming that I knew I wasn't going to stay there, didn't really sit well with me. Maybe I'm being oversensitive or I was being rude in hoping to be offered a bed the next night as well, but it did still hurt a bit, especially as these were 2 girls that I consider close friends. Anyway, nothing more of that, I'm not going to hold it against either if then as I know they were both probably nearly as tired as I was, but it did still hurt.

In all, a good weekend was had, and the only really bad thing was thst I was too tired to fully appreciate it.

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The Old Switcheroo

I'm a switch.  That's right, they exist.

When I came on the scene in Summer 2009, I already knew I was switch, but (as many people do) started off pretty much exclusively sub, for various reasons.  these were things like I wanted to put myself in the hands of someone more experiences to 'learn the trade' off of, and also, much more importantly, I didn't trust myself with anything I was doing, the closest I'd gotten to BDSM before was tying up a girlfriend with bondage tape when I was Vanilla.

After a little while I became a bit more confident, started topping a bit, became more adept and better at what I did, and as I became better and more confident, I realised  that I really did enjoy topping and being dominant.  At first I thought maybe I was going to become exclusively dominant, but all it took was a quick play session with me as the sub to realise that this was definitely not the case.

There are both good things and bad things about being a switch.  It means that if you hit it off with someone you are that much more likely to be able to play regardless of their role, if they're bottom you can top, if they're top you can bottom to them, and if they're switch, that's where the real fun begins!

however it's when relationships get a bit more serious that it can get problematic.  if a switch was going out with a top then he would bottom to her,  but unless they were polyamorous he would have no way of topping anyone, as obviously his top partner wouldn't allow him to top her, and even if she did it could ruin the dynamic.

as it stands, at the moment I'm predominantly top, for the last 8 months or so I have done very little subbing and almost exclusively topping, in fact the submissive play has happened on 2 occasions with the same person, though this is more lack of availability with other people than an actual want to only submit to one person.

The way I've described switching to people before is through taste.  it's the difference between liking the taste of chocolate/sweets and liking the taste of wine/beer/alcohol.  they both taste great, but they're completely different tastes, and they give you different feelings, different emotions, different highs...

I would have to say that, despite hardly ever doing it, my first love is still to bottom.  I love topping and being a dom, especially as I seem to have gotten far more hot girls that want to submit than hot girls that want to top me[FAO girls that have topped me: you are also all hot, there are just less of you in number than girls I've topped], but being the one that's hurt, the one that's fucked, the one that's played with... it just takes me to a different level.

Angst!

maybe it's because in the space of 50 hours over the weekend I worked 27 of them, but i'm not feeling great at the moment.

I'm tired  yeah, which is probably affecting my thoughts, but stuff isn't going great for me at the moment.

first off, relationships wise.  There are people i like, and they fall into 3 categories (at the moment there's one person in each category but it varies):

1. I like a person, but they don't like me back, at least not in this way.

2. I like a person, and they want to go to a certain place emotionally, but no further

3.I like a person, and they like me, but they want something slightly different

these three things are actual case studies of how my love life is at the moment, and it's pretty hellish.  I don't want to go into details, mostly because the people have their right to privacy, but it just makes it feel really sucky to be me.  I've been trying to get more confident and less shy, I really have, but when one constantly gets rebuffed, there's only so much one can take before  they wonder what's wrong with them...

And also, as if that wasn't enough, I'm off out next Saturday evening, i specifically asked for the Sunday after off, and work have instead given me a SUNDAY MORNING shift...  also, i'm not working at all between Monday and Thursday...  I'm supposed to be full time...  Either I'm crap at my job or my boss hates me.

Simple as.